Wedding Sermon

When I was a teenager growing up in Oregon, my family decided to take a whirlwind summer vacation, camping at a different site nearly every night for two weeks. This trip took us all over the state, including Cannon Beach State Park. In those days, Cannon Beach was a wide stretch of white sand, very suitable for building sand castles.

My sister and I, having grown up on the desert side of the state, had never built a sand castle before, and didn’t really know how to begin. So we walked up and down the beach watching how other families tackled this project.

We procured some small and large buckets from our camp, and returned to the beach. We experimented with the mixtures of sand and water to get just the right consistency that would allow each bucketful of sand to pack together. In time, we built this huge creation complete with flat topped turrets.

It seemed secure. Impenetrable. But it was, after all, built of sand. And in the morning, after the tide had come in an gone out, it was gone. At best all that was left was a slight mound to mark the spot where we had built the day before.

_____ and _____ came into their relationship with much life experience between them. They came together knowing a lot about marriage. They probably even know how to build castles of sand! As we got to know each other, it became clear to me that they also knew on what the solid foundation of a good marriage depends. As they spoke about the importance of God in their lives, it became clear that as we talked about finances, in-laws, children, and many other topics, at the bottom of it all was their deep awareness of the presence of God.

More than that, I believe that they understood that God’s love is the ultimate source of creation in the universe. It is the love that creates new things out of old things, and that creates and sustains new love between people. It is the kind of love that can transcend differences and that can heal deep wounds between people. It is that creative force, that gift of divine grace, that can descend upon two people to unite them in a way that is so unique and special, that they feel the need to announce their feelings to the world in a public ceremony like this one.

But what we are about here is more than a civil wedding ceremony, or a public affirmation of love. _____ and _____ have tome together in a holy place, to make promises to one another, to acknowledge their understanding of the importance of God in this. As Christians, they understand something of the great mystery of the incarnation. They understand the deep love of God for God’s creation was revealed in the person of Jesus Christ.

They come here as a new creation, somehow different from what they were before, to express their thanks to God for the goodness of the new creation that they have taken part in. They come together in the realization that the incarnate presence of God in their midst that provides the solid foundation upon which their new relationship rests.

Over the years, I have noticed something about the language of love in how we speak about the people that we love. Before we meet someone that we will fall in love with, we tend to be fairly self-centered; egocentric. We refer to “my” house and “my” car. Guests are invited to “my” favorite restaurant.

When we meet Ms. or Mr. right, our language begins to change as our life changes. When we fall hopelessly in love, we unselfishly and fully give of ourselves to another person, and if we are blessed, that person gives likewise to us. In so doing, we move from what the theologian Martin Buber called the “I-and-Thou” interpersonal relationship to what I call the “We Relationship.”

The presence of God, through the action of the Holy Spirit, helps two people to create a third entity: the “We.” The “we” is more than an I and a Thou, because with a “we” there is an intrinsic loss of the objective separation of the two people as the “we” emerges. The person previously identified as a “me” undergoes a form of death, and is resurrected as a new life, the “we.” And our language reflects this new creation. As we move into relationship with each other, we begin to substitute the pronouns “we” or “our” for “my” and “I.” We begin to talk about “our” apartment, “our” car, “our” checking account, and “our” children.

The change in the use of those little pronouns reflects a sense of possessiveness. Not ownership of another person, but possession of the recognition that through love, we take responsibility for our relationship. Our partner, also contributing to this relationship, is not a thing to be owned, but someone who fully participates as a co-equal in the creation of the partnership. Deep love implies three things: the lover, the object that is loved, and the bond of love uniting them both. The “We” is the bond of love that unites two people together. It is a form of love that reflects the incarnated presence of God among us.

It is that spiritual “We” that we recognize in this ceremony and that is blessed by the church. Paraphrasing the novelist and preacher, Frederick Buechner, in the vows they make, _____ and _____ say they will love, comfort, honor each other to the end of their days. [1] They say they will cherish each other and be faithful to each other always. They say they will do these things not just when they feel like it but even — for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health — when they don’t feel like it at all. In other words, the vows they make at a marriage could hardly be more extravagant.

In creating their “We,” they give away their freedom. In creating their “We,” they take on themselves each other’s burdens. They bind their lives together in ways that are even more painful to unbind emotionally, humanly, than they are to unbind legally. And, assuming they have any success at all in keeping their rash, quixotic promises, in return, they will never have to face the world quite alone again. There will always be the other to talk to, to listen to. If they’re lucky, even after passion passes, they still have a kindness and a patience to depend on, a chance to be patient and kind. There is still someone to get through the night with, to wake into the new day beside.

They both still have their lives apart as well as a life together. They both still have their separate ways to find. But a marriage made in Heaven is one where two people become more richly themselves together in the “We” than they could ever manage as an “I” or a “Thou.” And, with God’s help as the third party, and the firm foundation upon which the new relationship exists, the “We” continues to develop. _____ and _____, it is our wish for you that you always remain steadfastly aware of the presence of God in your relationship. We hope that you will always be aware of the foundation God has provided to you in your new life together as you face the challenges and experience the blessings that life brings to you in the years to come.

Tobias began by saying, “Blessed are you, O God of our ancestors, and blessed is your name in all generations forever. Let the heavens and the whole creation bless you forever. You made Adam, and for him you made his wife Eve as a helper and support. From the two of them the human race has sprung. You said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; let us make a helper for him like himself.’ I now am taking this kinswoman of mine, not because of lust, but with sincerity. Grant that she and I may find mercy and that we may grow old together.” And they both said, “Amen, Amen.”

May God be merciful to us and bless us, *
show us the light of his countenance and come to us.

Let the nations be glad and sing for joy, *
for you judge the peoples with equity
and guide all the nations upon earth.

The earth has brought forth her increase; *
may God, our own God, give us his blessing.

May God give us his blessing, *
and may all the ends of the earth stand in awe of him.

Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love. God’s love was revealed among us in this way: God sent his only Son into the world so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and do testify that the Father has sent his Son as the Savior of the world. God abides in those who confess that Jesus is the Son of God, and they abide in God. So we have known and believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in them.

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven. Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell—and great was its fall!” Now when Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were astounded at his teaching, for he taught them as one having authority, and not as their scribes.

[1] This section of this homily is paraphrased from the work of Frederick Buechner. See Frederick Buechner. “Marriage.” Whistling in the Dark: A Doubter’s Dictionary. San Francisco, CA: HarperSanFrancisco, 1988), 86-87.

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